Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
