This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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