Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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