Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
In America we eat man semen.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
