I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
