Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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