I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
