Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
two words: eviction party
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
