my phone needs a breathalizer
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
