My hand turned me down
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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