based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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