I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
