I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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