my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
