Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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