I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
