so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
