i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
