Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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