The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
it was like eating out sand paper
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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