I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
