i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
