I hope mine doesn't look like that
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
