Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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