I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
