If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
