I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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