You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
