rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
