so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
