I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
