You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
