my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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