R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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