Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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