Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
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This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
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I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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