He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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