idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
