If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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