you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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