new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
