saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
