i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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