Umm I'm too high to move.
You can't special order awesome
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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