New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
