and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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