So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
