I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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