Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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