he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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