Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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