I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
