and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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