guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
