can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
