The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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