peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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