so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
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I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Every concussion has its silver lining
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He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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